A psychologist gave advice on the phenomenon of "busy parent syndrome"

"Busy parent syndrome" is a phenomenon in which a child is constantly confronted with the feeling that the parent has "no time for him." On October 1, Izvestia was told about the specifics and causes of this situation by a business psychologist, consultant on business architecture and organizational development at OOO "Together.About" Danil Berezhnoy.

There may be various circumstances behind the phrase "no time": a busy work schedule, household chores, caring for other family members, meetings with friends, or advanced training courses. The main message of the "syndrome" can be expressed by the phrase: "I'm not up to you," the specialist pointed out.

"The most common reasons for parents' emotional unavailability include idealization of the parental role, unconscious repetition of the behavior pattern of their own parents, as well as strained relationships with the second parent. Of course, there may be other reasons; each situation has its own characteristics," Berezhnoy said.

You can find the specific source of the problem by asking yourself a few questions, such as: "What place does the child occupy in my life?", "Is communication with him a real value?", "What prevents you from building a trusting relationship and a sincere dialogue with him?".

"It is especially worth noting that children can not give up for a long time and continue to try to establish contact — through moods, tantrums, bad behavior, decreased academic performance, conflicts with peers. These are desperate attempts to say: "Look at me! Talk to me! I feel bad!" rather than manifestations of a "bad character," the psychologist added.

Berezhnoy emphasized that if the parent's reaction remains superficial, indifferent, or irritated, the child gradually learns to remain silent about his experiences. He comes to realize that his attempts are useless and bring only emotional pain, disappointment and resentment. To protect himself from these negative feelings, he stops asking his parents for help.

With the "busy parent syndrome," sooner or later the child makes an internal choice: "I won't ask anymore." This is how communication turns into the format of "correct" but superficial conversations, and the child no longer reveals his true feelings. In search of help and understanding, he goes into books, cartoons, video games, social networks — into any form of alternative reality where he can feel important, satisfy the need for contact and solve his problems: school difficulties, quarrels with friends, inner insecurity.

"Such contact can be virtual (through identification with the main character of the book) or real (with an online game partner). If a child fails to break through the wall of alienation with words, feelings or actions, he learns to cope alone, even if it is destructive to his psyche, or he is looking for "friends in misfortune," the expert said.

At the same time, over time, this behavior pattern is fixed in the child. As Berezhnoy reminded, having matured, such people often become bachelors, workaholics, perfectionists and avoid deep, intimate relationships. They may seek approval and support not from their family, but from mentors, colleagues, or even from random people. Such a strategy often leads to inner emptiness, a feeling of hopelessness and can lead to the development of various kinds of addictions.

"If you want to eliminate this "syndrome," it's important to start with yourself by deciding that the child has a place in your priority system, and communication is the thread that connects you to each other. Only after these decisions can you come to an agreement with the child on how you build your relationships and communication," the psychologist advised.

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September 27, practicing psychologist, Candidate of Psychological Sciences, CEO of OOO "Together.Olesya Berezhnaya told Izvestia that absenteeism is always a signal of a child's internal problems, and not just a whim. Parents often perceive such actions as a challenge or disobedience, which leads to punishment and confrontation. However, this approach ignores the true reason for what is happening. According to Berezhnaya, in order to understand the true reasons for absenteeism, it is important to start a conversation with a child not with accusations, but from the position of an ally. The child should feel support and understanding, not fear of punishment.

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