Oncoming love: Zoomers have launched a dating trend
People are tired of virtual communication, so they try to meet more often in real life. In any case, disappointed women began to leave dating sites, believing that in this case men are difficult to lure out of the Internet. Meanwhile, zoomers are setting a good example for older generations by using interest chats as a dating platform, then switching to live communication. What is the difference between real and virtual meetings, how to get rid of the fear of meeting a new love and which girls representatives of the stronger sex choose — in the material of Izvestia.
Reality or chats
During virtual dating, people literally look at the questionnaires of potential partners under a magnifying glass, meticulously analyzing the information, says professional matchmaker Anna Osipova. Thus, they create obstacles to the emergence of any relationship, because sometimes they do not allow themselves to be given a chance to develop them if something does not match their initial ideal expectations.
— And when people get to know each other "live", they still don't know anything about each other. There are only two concepts in priority — like or dislike,. You just liked each other visually, and you had a lively conversation. This greatly reduces the path to developing a relationship," says Anna Osipova.
The matchmaker considers virtual acquaintance to be just a moment that pushes for personal communication, but nothing more. And if it drags on, it usually leads to disappointment.
— The longer the correspondence on the Internet, the more a person experiences certain illusions and associates the other with his fantasies, — says Anna Osipova. — And when a personal meeting does take place, very often these fantasies are quickly dispelled, because you imagined him to be one, and he is completely different.
The matchmaker advises not to get hung up on questionnaires: It's just a business card. Sometimes it's enough to know just what a person's name is and have an approximate idea of what they look like. The real prospects for starting a relationship depend on face-to-face acquaintance.
Moonlight walks
Virtual dating is really very different from live dating for the worse, confirms clinical psychologist and sexologist Sergey Volkov.
— First of all, when communicating online, many biological methods of communication are disrupted or even absent, such as facial expressions, gestures, posture and body position, as well as timbre of voice, rhythm of speech, pronunciation features, - says Volkov. — That's why a person ends up coming up with more than half the image of the interlocutor.
The sexologist also considers online dating to be one of the ways to start communication. In fact, it doesn't matter what it started with — a conversation on the bus or on the app.
"But survey statistics show that less than 30% of virtual contacts end with a real meeting," warns Volkov. — The 35+ generation treats such acquaintances utilitarianly, believing that it is just a convenient way to invite a person on a date. But sometimes young people don't understand what needs to be done next. After all, young people don't have a culture of relationships where a real meeting is mandatory.
According to Volkov, the life and communication of modern boys and girls mostly consists of the Internet, which has replaced real contact since childhood.
— There is one more thing: the Internet creates the illusion of impunity. Therefore, people on the Web often show themselves not at their best, communicate in a way they would never have dared in real life, warns the clinical psychologist.
Representatives of the stronger sex are especially guilty of this. But, from the point of view of a sexologist, not all men show increased activity of a certain property, but only a certain contingent. As a rule, such people choose online dating as the only way to communicate.
— Because of this, it seems that all men are fucked up in an instant. Actually, not many people use apps, but the most frequent suggestions and questions included in the first five messages (with the exception of the word "hello") always relate to intimacy and conversations about sex. The reason for this, again, is complete impunity and the illusion of anonymity and security," says Sergey Volkov.
The superficial acquaintances that women complain about happen because a person who has once experienced pain in a relationship is afraid of repeating it, the matchmaker believes.
— Why do people ride on horseback? Not because they are so windy and frivolous. It's the fear of a new relationship," sums up Anna Osipova.
At the same time, the matchmaker calls the endless "moonlight walks" superficial, when people only call back and meet for these walks once every two weeks.
— As a rule, relationships that lead to something develop quickly, provided that people like each other and are ready to take responsibility for the continuation of these relationships, — says the matchmaker. — Usually, after the third date, they decide what will happen next, rather than holding hands for years just like that.
The matchmaker also complains that it is often women who are afraid of new relationships. They are willing to pay for a husband to be found in marriage agencies, but they disappear as soon as this potential husband (promising, serious, focused on family values) appears on the horizon.
Advantages of Domostroy
A lot happens because of the inability to communicate. Sergey Volkov recalls that in the Middle Ages, a clear set of rules called "Domostroy" was a kind of guide for the common man. In the 19th century, the rules of communication and tolerance were regulated by aristocratic etiquette and religion. After the revolution, the codes of the pioneers and the Komsomol were created, educational and methodological literature on home economics, building family relationships, and how to talk to a husband, wife, and children was published.
— After the Second World War, all this remained and was transformed into the idea of a "Soviet citizen." And in the 1990s, these Soviet norms were replaced by thieves' concepts: it was possible to answer for the bazaar quickly and efficiently on any bus. So the Internet immediately began with anarchy. There have never been and still have not been any rules of communication," says Sergey Volkov.
Isolated cases of prosecution for defamation and insults are the exception rather than the rule, the expert believes. In reality, for example, in a large company, a person will try to show his best side. On the Internet, on the contrary, shadowy aspects of personality are often played out.
— At the same time, it is impossible to clearly typify men. They can be from different walks of life, different ages and incomes. This is due to the fact that our civilization is going through a huge turning point. Information communication, including Internet dating in particular, has disrupted healthy and familiar ways of communication for people. People have lost the skills of communication and ordinary conversation," complains a clinical psychologist.
On the other side of the monitor
Modern women often wonder how to lure a man out of the Internet on a live date. From the point of view of experts, this occupation is very unpromising.
"No way,— says sexologist Volkov categorically. — It's like luring a bear out of its den: will it come out and what's next? The foundation of a healthy relationship is mutual interest. People mistakenly believe that everyone should be interested in the other. In fact, it's much more important for a person to be interested in others more than to draw attention to themselves.
In the event that a man needs to be "lured out", a clinical psychologist advises you to listen to yourself: why do you need a man who is not interested in you?
— Do you need a guy like that who needs to be lured away? This is how the question should be posed," says the matchmaker. — If a man is more interested in a monitor than a woman, then you can't do anything about it.
Even if it succeeds, then in such a relationship you will have to spend a lot of effort and energy each time to maintain interest in your person. According to the sexologist, in fact, such a relationship is a heavy responsibility on the shoulders of someone who has decided to constantly play by such rules. "In the modern world, it is very unprofitable to spend so much effort for the sake of someone else's attention," summarizes Volkov. But at the same time, it is important to be able to represent personal interests, since they are of great importance for human communication.
— You need to be able to talk with delight and admiration about your hobbies, hobbies, and life. And the other person will either become interested and begin to admire, admire and worry with us, or they will not be interested, and then there will be no contact. This is a healthy biological process of building communication," says Sergey Volkov.
From boomer to buzzer
According to Osipova, marriage agencies are now breaking down stereotypes. People under the age of 40 reached out to the matchmakers. Men began to choose women of their own age more often, and girls without provocative "tuning" — with natural beauty - are in demand.
—A Turgenev young lady recently came to me — without inflated lips, without pathos and a smile on duty," says the matchmaker. — To say that she was in demand is an understatement. This girl went on 12 dates in a month — it's nonsense! Usually, if there are two or three of them, this is already luck for the matchmaker. And then all 12 men said, "I want to marry her."
According to the matchmaker, modern brides lack naturalness and modesty, and potential grooms no longer need an overabundance of the once fashionable artificial "beauty". The same can be said about virtual communication.
Meanwhile, another positive trend is emerging: representatives of generation Z have finally begun to choose live communication. However, even according to the zoomers themselves, the Internet is the starting point for this.
— Zoomers don't use dating apps en masse — they get to know each other through games and themed chats... that is, on the Internet, but in those places where their points of interest are located," confirms Sergey Volkov. — That's why it's much easier for them to get into real communication: they don't have to overcome the colossal barrier of emptiness and search for common activities.
Apparently, romantic live dates are gaining popularity due to the retro lamp fashion. It's like time is rewinding. Zoomers generally learn a lot from older generations. In particular, for the last two years they have been congratulating each other with virtual postcards, which are so popular with grandmothers. But it's not just about fashion. The clinical psychologist emphasizes that romance, from the point of view of neuroscience, is a complex and life—forming complex.
— It can change, but it will never disappear, — says the sexologist. — If romance disappears completely, then we will simply die out as a species. Therefore, there will always be romantic relationships.
A clinical psychologist even makes a bold assumption that in the next 10-15 years, AI will generally begin to degrade and the pace of development of IT technologies will slow down, which, presumably, will cause the virtual world to compensate for the real one.
Anyway, experts are glad that people have started to communicate more in person. "This gives us a chance to overcome the demographic crisis. Thanks to the buzzers, we need to continue this trend," sums up matchmaker Anna Osipova.
How to declare your love
Nevertheless, there are those who are ready to switch to real communication in dating applications (websites are now used less often), Sergei Volkov encourages readers. These are mostly people with a specific goal — to start a romantic relationship, go on a date, start a family. A sexologist argues like this: you can get acquainted anywhere, however, in order to find the desired person, you must first be well aware of his (or her) image and sphere of interests. Then you can go to a place where there are such people. Sergey Volkov suggests an algorithm for such an acquaintance.
— Write down on a piece of paper everything you want from this relationship. But write specifically: not just "I want comfort," but explain what comfort is and how many times a day. Then imagine (based on what has already been written) a pleasant image of a person who will meet these requirements. It is important to understand that a rich man will not return home after 18:00 — he is busy making money, and a person who loves children may not be a very good father.
Based on this image, think about where such people gather and visit, how you can get to know them and get to know them. Don't be afraid: new connections in any case lead to romantic acquaintances, the expert encourages.
— Go to places where people with specific interests communicate, for example, to a business forum or bike festival. But even if you come to a knitting circle, and there are only women there, they have friends, brothers, acquaintances. And a new girlfriend might drag you to some quiz where you wouldn't go yourself. And there's already a chance to get to know each other," Volkov instructs.
For dating in real life, it is not the place that is important, but the expansion and maintenance of a network of social contacts, the sexologist emphasizes. The more people we involve in our social circle, the more intersections and opportunities open up. And the best way to let another person know that a person wants a relationship is to say so directly. No one knows how to guess: you need to directly identify your interests and hear the interests of the other side, the clinical psychologist emphasizes.
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